Thursday, March 23, 2006
Crystal Meme: THE RELAPSE
Songs I'm Reluctant To Admit Listening To
1. “Hello”—Lionel Richie—Anytime I get to admit my “Slimy Lionel" problem is a good time. Full out car karaoke. Pray that fellow drivers around me do not read lips. Is it me you’re looking for…Cuz I wonder where you are…shall I keep going?
2. “What’s New Pussycat”—Tom Jones—would totally throw my skivs on the stage for him. TOTALLY.
3. Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass—"Taste of Honey"—play this at my funeral, please. Except you run the risk of me returning from the dead. It represents everything that's “right” about “cheeseball.”
4. “Signs”—Snoop Dogg and Justin Timberlake—I think the lyrics say it all: class, class, class:
[Verse - Snoop Dogg]
Don't think about it, boy leave her alone
(Ooh wee!!) Nigga you ain't no G!
She likes my tone, my cologne and the way I roll, you ain't no G! [lyric misinterpretation: “she likes my ‘cabrone’ and the way I ‘bone.’” Please don’t ask what I thought a “cabrone" was. All the better to “bone” her with, I s'pose.]
5. The Johnny Mathis Christmas Album WITH Percy Faith and His Orchestra—favorite song is the wacked out hipster version of “Winter Wonderland.” I play this CD starting the day after Thanksgiving until New Year’s Day. Ask my husband. It is TRUE.
6. “Let’s Get This Party Started”—Korn—uh-huh! Who knew “started” had so many syllables?
7. Hall and Oates—“Sarah Smile”—full face contortion karaoke!!! With excellent alliteration!
8. Dave Matthews—“Say Goodbye”—I am a SUCKER for this damn song! It takes me DIRECTLY back to those naughty, persuasive cool boys (that I longed for but did not consummate anything with, well, except for one…). I CANNOT HELP MYSELF. I love Dave Matthews. I love his funny, impish ways! The good clean fun decadence! That hint of a South African accent! The crazy percussive riffs! That slightly teenaged prurient love of impossibly beautiful women! But also the knowledge that he is the kind of guy who would have been nice to me! (When I was 20). Let’s review the lyrics please:
And in your eyes I see
What's on my mind
You've got me wild… [Is it hot in here, OR WHAT?]
Stay here with me, love, tonight [Extra points for calling her “love,” scrumptious!]
Just for an evening…
You and me twist up
Secret creatures [Mmmm hmmm]
And we'll stay here
Tomorrow go back to being friends [Absolutely the dumbest most delusional all-male thought process. You know there is NO WAY she can go “back to being friends” after having Hot Monkey Love with DAVE MATTHEWS!!!]
But tonight let's be lovers,
We kiss and sweat…
Just a rogue kiss [Rogue? Just where did that kiss go??]
Tangled tongues and lips, [This kills me—I am so weak!]
See me this way
I'm turning and turning for you [She is fully in his grasp…]
Girl just tonight […THUD. Just tonight. AS IF!]
9. “Hey Ya”—Outkast—please. It’s a must. Shake it like a Polaroid picture? Lyric GENIUS.
10. “Come on Eileen”—Dexy’s Midnight Runners—will TURN THE RADIO UP full volume in the car and sing along like it’s...1982!!!!!!!!!! Every time.
Cynicism is another word for reality