Thursday, March 16, 2006

Office Archetypes

This is a random selection of office personages I have observed over the years…See if you recognize anyone…feel free to add any that I missed...

  • The Overbooked Chaotic Bluster Queen
  • The Skank—pointy toed stilettos, tight jeans; smokes furtively in front of the building with like-minded malcontents; is often “sick” and/or “late” (read: hungover)
  • The Kitchen Lurker—acts like it’s “his” kitchen; monopolizes freezer with specialty frozen entrees
  • The Bathroom Lurker—takes a dump at the same time every morning
  • Manager, Bright and Dark—sometimes nice but mostly pained, depressed and weird
  • The Bored Receptionist
  • The Person Whose Role is Not Clearly Defined—walks back and forth aimlessly in front of your office a little too often
  • The Nark—knows when everyone comes in the morning, leaves at night, and takes lunch; exercise caution
  • The Greedy Eyer—takes in every inch of your body (with special attention to flaws), makeup, jewelry, etc. in microscopic, near pornographic, detail
  • The Person Who is Nice When She Comes to Your Office to Talk, but who acts weird if you come to her office to chat
  • Loud Headset Talker—paces the entire floor carrying on officious conversations at full volume; substitutes Blackberry as necessary
  • The Laconic Drone—doesn’t “care” for ethnic foods; permanently set on ten second cognitive delay
  • The Chauvinistic Web Guy
  • The Nervous Pleaser
  • The Über Mom
  • Computer Screen Gazer—stares intently at your screen (disregarding all laws of personal space) to determine what you are Googling and why (hint: set screen saver to deploy after one minute!)
  • Mr. Cologne of the Damned
  • The Woman Who is Unable to Be Happy for Others
  • Surly Disaffected Tech Guy; intimidating glower optional
  • The Person With a Strange Personal Scent
  • Mr. Truly Scrumptious
  • Ms. Charm School Dropout
  • The Bitter Divorcee With Biological Time Bomb Issues
  • The Seemingly Innocuous Drone—quiet, but listens to ritualistic cannibal beats that spur disturbing side effects in neighboring office mates, such as wanton blood lust, heart arrhythmia, delirium, convulsions and intense hydrophobia

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