Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Pud Be Gone!

Grocery list:

Lettuce leaf
Celery stalk (organic)
Tab
Cottage cheese
Seltzer water
Trim-spa (if it worked for Anna Nicole…)

Resolution(s): Fit and fabulous.

Strategy: Will work out on elliptical EVERY SINGLE DAY for an entire year.

Emerge: Buff. Hot. Will incur envy of EVERYONE on the planet, including all you superior bitches who have secretly thought mean things about me for having that second (or 12th) crab puff. Go to hell all of you! I noticed your greedy eyes hugging my flaws! Yeah well. Let’s talk on December 31st 2006, shall we? Over a coupla herbal teas. Maybe a ginger snap or two. Stop counting, bitch!

Two big fat sauntering lies women tell: a) I lost The Weight for myself; b) I never notice what anyone eats or drinks! Except when I am mentally calculating the caloric intake of every single drop of wine in the 12 ounce glass (the 150 calories in a glass of wine is based on a FIVE OUNCE glass! Look at that tumbler she’s drinking out of!) and the fat content of the cheese you just layered on your 18th Stoned Wheat Thin.

Google: "best exercise video of 2005"

Results: God love the Brits, up came iVillage.com.uk’s Top Ten for 2005 and on the list was Coronation Street: Funk Fit that promises to help work off that “Christmas pud.” The Brits, who brought you the expression for a smarty-pants: Clever Clogs, as in, “Humph, she thinks she is such a clever clogs.” Seriously, that is my favorite expression ever.

Overheard: "Dude, were you the funny guy who left the magazine on my chair? The skin 'zine about bondage?"

Ponder: Should I say I did it? I bet no one would ever suspect!

Revelation: I look absolutely horrible today. You know kind of craggy former glamour, all badly mocked up with mascara that clumped on wayward lashes, eyelids are beginning Charlotte Rampling
perma-descent, like they are not going to be refreshed and tightened with sleep…maybe the Hawaiian Tropic summers were a mistake? Splotchy complexion that is strangely inured to all camouflaging gear—concealer, matte uber cloak base, several applications of loose face powder. I look like a shiksa geisha. Shiksa Geisha! All old and weird and faded bad Hollywood. Like I use a cigarette holder and wear tortoise shell sunglasses and a jaunty silk scarf in creamy colors when in convertibles.

I submitted a story today because this is not only the year of FIT AND FABULOUS but it is also the year Lisa publishes about one million (give or take) stories and becomes the toast of some literary scene. On the moon or something. It’s going to be amazing. In addition to my newly toned and preserved beauty—there will be…

OK, get the hook. But I did submit a story. And I’m feeling good about it.

Happy New Year!!! Good luck working off that Christmas pud and all. If you need any pointers, just give me a ring.

Signed,

Jane Clever Clogs

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